Confused but Understanding?

OK after a conversation with my dad two days ago, a conversation with a friend yesterday and thinking this morning I am really excited/anxious and so I just have to write about it.

I have really been struggling this past year on the fact that my project is so limited in the people that it is helping and constantly facing the reality that I love so many people in Ghana and my project is strictly helping those from Osu Children's Home and no one else.

This past month I have been faced with a lot of difficult decisions and most of them I haven't even made yet and are still hanging over my head but I think I may have gotten somewhere today.

See the reality of Ghana, and third world countries in general, is that it is not just the children in orphanages that need help. There are so many cases that slip through the cracks that people don't see.

A friend of mine has just turned 18. His parents are both dead but they died when he was older so rather than going into a home his best friend's family took him in to raise him. Unfortunately, they ran out of money to continue supporting him and he is being evicted of the place he currently stays due to the fact that he is now 18 and now an "adult". He is homeless and essentially still a child (he just got someone to pay his school fees so he is a freshmen in high school). Technically he is not in an orphanage but he still needs help.

Another friend of mine is 16 and his father just needed to have an operation to remove a tumor. His father spent all of his money on the operation and now has no money to give his son to buy food...he is not an orphan but he still goes to sleep many nights a week without food in his stomach.

Another friend of mine is 17. He lives on his own in a room. He gets paid a small amount a month to play football and then finds friends to help him pay the rest of his rent. Two weeks ago it rained and the pressure from the water under his cement floor burst through and flooded his room. He has a hole in the floor he sleeps on and most of his things are ruined. His mother is dead but his father is still alive and he was never put into an orphanage.

The list of these stories goes on and on.

And so as I face these hard decisions of whether my project will be long term or if I will move on to something else I have at least one thing figured out: My work in Ghana is not over, and through registering All Hands On Deck for Africa in the US I will have the opportunity to create new projects and programs that might eventually replace the one I have going now. I refuse to be prideful and continue a project if it doesn't seem that it is working as I had originally planned. (I am not saying Mawuli Apeme is not working, I am just saying that because it is such a financial commitment the benefits and costs need to be weighed.)

So as I write up a description of All Hands on Deck for Africa and what it is about I will include: Aims to provide sponsorship and financial support to families who would otherwise be forced into the possible abandonment of their children. Instead our support and sponsorship will allow children to develop in a family environment. It is still working towards my same goal of preventing orphanages from growing and breaking the cycle of poverty but through a new method.

I know that this is not a revolutionary idea and seems pretty basic but it opens up a lot of doors for me. A year from now I am going to have a completely new set of skills and by the time I finish University I expect that I am going to be able to come up with a sustainable business model that could support itself. But until then I am not going to sit around and wait. I will register All Hands On Deck for Africa in the United States and continue to help in the ways I know how until I am more educated on where to go from there. Who knows where I will be in 5 years- it could be anywhere. It could be getting into micro-finance, continuing with the non-profit path, or having a for-profit business on the side that flows into All Hands on Deck for Africa.

I refuse to limit myself and confine myself to a box. These next four months are going to determine a lot about my different ideas and I am prepared to take the best route even if that means that my original idea of a group home being long term is not financially feasible at this time due to the governments lack of funding.

Osu Children's Home is not the only place in Ghana that needs my help and the more time I spend in the community of Accra and submerging myself in the culture the clearer that becomes. I think I have been scared to admit that my focus is no longer completely on Osu Children's Home because everyone has been expecting that of me. But the truth is that my work here is so much larger than Osu Chidlren's Home. I will continue to spend a few hours there each week but emotionally, at this point in time, that is all I can handle and I need to be ok with that.

I am so thankful that I have such supportive parents that are behind me in any decision that I choose to make and I hope that you too, can be as supportive and back me with the difficult decisions I have to make ahead of me.

While I love sharing my story and journey with all of you, there is incredible pressure that comes with it knowing that everyone is having their own thoughts and opinions about the work I am doing. So I am also asking all of you to be ok with the fact that I am learning, growing, and having my own beliefs challenged daily and that I want to continue to be honest with you all.

So this is where I am on my journey. Confused but understanding?

I think I might be learning to like bananas...

So I started writing this blog on Monday but while I was typing it our Internet went out. Helena has to find people every month to pay for the Internet for the entire building of Department of Social Welfare. You would think that the government would pay since these are government jobs but instead Helena has to ask friends to sponsor her 300 cedi (aprox. $230) a month. She had all of 2009 paid for by an NGO and then found a friend to pay for January and February this year but she has run out of sponsors which means that we are without internet until we can find someone to pay the bill. Despite the fact that about 150 people benefit from the internet, no one else is helping Helena to find a way of paying for the internet. BUT!! The benefit of being in Ghana is that sometimes good things randomly happen too; so today the internet went back on by a fluke…I am sure it will be off again tomorrow.

My malaria meds are starting to get really bad again so I am so thankful that Ali will be here next week with my new stuff.

I find that I dream about important people in my life that have died. Every single night I dream about them. I dream about my Grandma, my Grammy, Victor, and even Preston Hirten (a volunteer I knew from Ghana that died this past August). But not only do these people come to me in my dreams but I dream about close friends and family dying too. The dreams are so realistic that I wake up and find it difficult to calm myself down and go back to sleep.

But Francis, one of the boys in the group home, told me that when you dream about someone dying you are actually blessing them and adding years to their life. I am not sure how that works but it is somehow comforting. But for those I dream about that are already dead it just brings back painful memories.

Dealing with emotions in Ghana is 100% different than dealing with emotions at home.

I think that it has to do with the weight of the emotion I am carrying around with me but I have no other option to express how I am feeling here. At home I am capable of hiding if I am angry or sad but if I attempt to keep it inside me here it will destroy me. The other difference about dealing with emotion in Ghana is that I am never alone.

But because I am forced to express how I am feeling in front of these people they are there to help me carry some of the weight. After an upsetting conversation Sat. night I was on the verge of tears going into the evening church service but coach Kofi sat next to me squeezing my shoulder every now and then and telling me to calm down. At the close of the church service Malik (an U12 player) and Charles (an U14 player) each took one of my hands and walked me to the road to get a taxi home. When I wasn't able to hold some of my tears in they wiped them out of my eyes. I am so lucky to have relationships like these in Ghana.

These past couple weeks there have been two sisters here from Utah who are getting Helena’s help with adoption. One of the sisters adopted from Ghana last year and the other sister is adopting a 15-year-old boy this year (hence the reason for their time in Ghana). This boy is extremely lucky since once you reach 16 years you can no longer be adopted in Ghana.

Anyway-the name of this boy is Francis (not my Francis, a different Francis) and he has been coming into the Dept. of Social Welfare office while Helena helps his new mom with the paperwork to take him home. As you can probably guess, I instantly got along with Francis and so one day we were talking about Ghanaian music and how much we both love it and how he is going to miss it a lot. So I decided to burn all my Ghanaian music onto CDs for him to take back to Utah.

I have put some links below so that you can hear some Ghanaian music that can bring a smile to my face even when I am in the crappiest of moods. (Actually the links won't let you click on them so just copy and paste them)

Simple by: Bradez

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wg-vXA2KhW8

Swagger by: Ruff-N-Smooth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frjtg2PGMTI

Baby by: Sarkodie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2ExSTauot4

Work is going well and I have been working on organizing the administration side of Mawuli Apeme since while I was at school I wasn’t able to record exact grant transfers etc. Sometimes the organization aspect seems tedious and meaningless but I know that it is key in running an efficient and effective program over here. I have been learning a lot about Excel spreadsheets and coming up with your own templates for budgets and donations is more difficult than you would imagine.

Ali gets here on Sunday morning and I can’t wait to show her my life in Ghana.

I am doing really good out here. I know that some of you were worried that I was having a difficult first two weeks but I am doing so great. Here are a couple pictures from this past weekend.

Malik (left) and Van der Vaart (right) before their U12 match:



Me and Joe (U17) at a youth match:



Sam (another volunteer) and I took Saviola and some friends to dinner for Saviola's Birthday:



Another Picture from Saviola's Birthday Dinner:

Great Mood

For those of you who want to see something slightly humorous-> take a look at this link. It is a video that Northeastern did of me right before I left for international co-op. You would never know, but I actually filmed for 5 hours...and this is what came of it hahaha:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yN7qSZeSCY

I am in such a great mood this morning, and to be honest I have been in this great mood for about the past week.

Things out here are so good. Now that the initial adjustments are sorted out and I have gotten used to working everyday and not seeing my friends during the day things are wonderful.

It seems ridiculous to remember how homesick I felt my first couple weeks. Of course I still miss my friends and family but I am so happy.

I hoped you all enjoyed my photos I posted on Monday!

I love my life out here. I have spent enough time out here in the past two years that I have a life here and every time I think about that I smile.

It is certain things that make me happy:

1) When I hear the sound of the fan ice horn--> although I try to only buy from one fan ice guy...he is my favorite! His name is K2 and he spends all of his time at the pitch

2) Bucket showers

3) Hearing call my name: Claire Renne Adjowa(born on Monday) Akoko(chicken) Kaajaano(where I stay) Fischer

4) When Charles Ofori (U14 footballer) calls me small girl

5) Speaking twi and holding a coherent conversation without hesitation

6) Hearing certain Ghanaian songs

7) eating rice with this special sauce and mystery meat

8) Getting things accomplished at work

9) someone telling me I am Ghanaian

10) knowing that I have a lot more time here

I could go on forever on the things that make me happy here but I think I will stop for now.

I am doing soo good. I am tired a lot because I don't sleep early (as they say in Ghana) and I wake up early too.

I can't believe that it has been two years that I first came to Ghana.

I have learned so much.

I would not be the same person today if I had stayed in Glen Ellyn. How different my life would be.

I am so thankful for this joy I am feeling and hope that I can hold on to it when I come across obstacles.

Me and Ishmael- they threw him in the mud for his Birthday--don't ask me why that is a good Birthday present but I guess it was




Me and Abonny



Me and Sarfo

Some of the Reasons I love Ghana

Cantonments F/C Cuts

When I arrived in Ghana a few weeks ago I learned that the Senior team of Cantonments F/C was having some problems and that there was a rift between some of the players. It hasn't been the same unified team but instead it has been divided recently. But this morning, no, this morning was different.

This morning all the Cantonments Senior Football players circled out in the middle of the pitch. It was unusually dark and cloudy this morning with spitting rain. They lifted their voices, clapped their hands and stomped their feet. The unity of their voices echoed throughout the park as they gave thanks to the only one constant in their lives.

They knew that today the cuts for the team were going to be announced and some of those who they had been with for a long time would no longer be a part of the club. This is the first year that Cantonments is cutting such a large number in order to create a more successful team.

So for one last time, they stood united. I watched with the other volunteers; all of us in awe goosebumps covering our bodies. Cantonments is more than a football club; it is a family. They have given each other food to eat, a place to live, clothes to wear, and love when they couldn't find it other places.

It may sound ridiculous to those of you reading this, and a little over dramatic too. But when you have virtually nothing, and you risk losing one of the last things you have...it is more than just making it onto a sports team.

I love this country, I love being here, I bought my first Ghanaian sweat hanky today!

Pressure

My friend Dominic was in the hospital yesterday; he had thrown up 20 times the previous night and so yesterday they had to pump his stomach. They couldn't find out what caused him to be sick. When I spoke to him yesterday evening he told me that it was the pressure. He was not actually sick; it was just the fear of not being able to help all the boys at Cantonments. His worry that 90% of them were already lost.

I know that feeling.

There is a pressure that comes with this responsibility that not many people speak about. This feeling that we need to take care of everyone in our path. It can break a person down, eat away at us little by little, and if we are not careful-it can take us completely.

It does not attack every person that comes here- some are able to get away. But once it has you, it won't let you go.

It is a weight that we carry around with us everywhere we go-not just when in Ghana but when we are home too. It even follows me into my dreams and there are times
when I still wake up sweating or crying with the anxiety and fear of failure. We feel helpless.

There are so many children, how can we help them all? Our hearts take in more
than we can handle but we let them get bashed up at the expense of giving love
and hope to those who need it. It is weighing the cost against the benefit and
hoping that we are right when we say the benefit outweighs the cost.

So how do we stop it, how can we prioritize and channel it? That is what we
struggle to do. We support each other and pick one another up when we think we
have given up.

But we know it will continue. This continent is a part of us now...it has
coursed through us and taken over and we will never be the same. So while we are
thankful for the truth that has been shown to us; we will forever carry around
with us the pain of those we love and those we cannot help.

We pray for the healing of laughter and love but for those times when that isn't enough I will continue to remember that "Everlasting, his light will shine when all else fades"

Top Story in Ghana: Accra Water Crisis worsens

"Ghana is seeking international assistance to rectify a major engineering defect which has severely affected water supply at the Weija Water Works and reduced daily production from 55 million gallons to 11 million."

I have a feeling I will be increasingly dirty.

So believe it or not I have a cold in Africa...I didn't know that was possible but I have managed to catch one. I was extremely low energy yesterday but I am feeling better today.

OK! So I think I might have down a routine...for most days that is.

5:30-6:00am Wake up

6:30am Leave the house- travel to Cantonments

7:00-8:00am watch first half of senior training

8:00-8:30am eat egg & bread with Milo (drink)

8:30-9:00am travel to work

9:00am-4:30pm work

4:30-5:00pm travel home to drop off my bag

5:00-6:30pm switch off between Osu Children's Home and Cantonments Youth training

6:30-? spend time with friends; eventually this will include other volunteers

?-5:30am sleep

That's all for now.

How many days until Claire becomes bald?

So not too much is new; just thought I would give a quick update.

My malaria medicine (doxycycline)made me have an allergic reaction to the sun and my skin was red, puffy, and itching so badly I couldn't sleep. SO- I had to switch back to Lariam and already my crazy dreams have started back up. Last night I thought there were bugs crawling all over me again...excellent. This is also the same malaria medicine that makes my hair fall out...so you can all start giving your estimated amount of days until I am completely bald. haha

The good news is that when my friend Ali comes to see me in 20 days (not that I am counting or anything) she is going to bring me a third kind of malaria medicine so I can try that out. We will see which one has the least amount of side effects.

I know that it is getting to be the hottest time of the year here in Ghana because the water has been switched off for 2 days straight now...I really need to do wash. I might have to use pure water to wash a couple things to get me by.

I have been saving a lot of money on taxis at night because I found out one of the guys from Cantonments lives right by me so now he just walks me home at night and I am #1 safer and #2 saving money. It works out perfectly.

Yesterday I went and watched the U12s, U14s, and U17s play matches and it was heavenly. Good football, sunshine, fanice, good friends, and good music. Some of the U12s were trying to get me to dance by showing off their dance skills.

Today, I am going to see a good friend Sarfo play in a match. He just got signed to a Premier League football club in Ghana (thats really good) and so I am going to watch him play at the National Stadium today.

Hope you are all not freezing!!

I love Bucket Showers

I love bucket showers- anyone who has ever taken one will understand.

I am embarrassed when I think of how much I complained in my last post. I should be so grateful for my old host family taking me back in without pay. There are so many people without homes or that live in the same size room with 10 kids. That was me being selfish and ungrateful. I hate when that side of me comes out.

Plus, being back in Accra with the people that I love is totally worth the living situation. I am getting to spend time every day with my best friends here and I am reminded of why I am destroyed every time I leave this place.

Even with my troubles I have at Osu Children’s Home now there are a few children that still fill me up with so much joy I forget about all the hard things. Moses is one of these kids. When I see Moses everything that has been eating away at me disappears. He always gives me the biggest hugs and tells me that he has missed not seeing me. His smile is contagious and I wish with all my heart I could bring him home with me. Another one of these kids is Yaw Bob. When I hug him I can feel how much I truly care about these kids. I need to continue to cling to those relationships I have and fight for them.

Me and Moses Yesterday:


Yaw Bob and me last May:


I have been getting up at 5:30 every morning with the girls and leaving the house by 6:15 to go to Senior training before work. But my work schedule this week has been a little screwy. Helena traveled to do training with orphanage workers but I did not go with her this week because I am still settling in and know she will be doing a lot of these over the next 6 months. So while she has been gone I have been helping out her husband.

Kwame has an organization called Our Children Africa and it has built three schools in villages outside the city. I went with him yesterday to visit those schools and see the children. He pays the schoolteachers with his own money and then relies on donations to do the actual building of the schools. Right now one of the schools is stuck halfway built because he can’t find the funding.

After we visited his schools we went to a school for the blind out in Aburi (Where the botanical gardens are located; beautiful). None of the children at the school have walking sticks, they have just memorized the geography of their school and walk free from class to class. Kwame introduced me to a boy named Daniel who is 17. Two years ago some doctors in Accra said that if he could get a cornea transplant he would no longer be blind. When Kwame heard this he raised the money to fly Daniel to Chicago and get the surgery. It was only after getting to Chicago and they did some tests that it was discovered that it was not going to work. Kwame said what a sad day that was when they found this out. But because the doctors couldn’t give him the surgery they asked him what they could do for him and he told them that he didn’t need anything but he wanted a medical team to come to Ghana to help the visually impaired; he got his wish.

Today I have been helping Kwame with the newsletter that he wants to send out to try and promote his foundation.

Other than that; everything is great. I am reminded daily of why every time people ask me what I love about Ghana, I respond “the people”.

Follow Up from Yesterday

After waiting for 3 1/2 hours in the administration office of Osu Children's Home I was told that...the man did not know he was supposed to be leaving...so sorry there is no room for me and it won't be available until March 15th...

I am being tested...

I am back to my old host family that I was with in May. I would have continued to stay with Helena but it was too far from Accra and not being able to see the boys from Cantonments or any of the kids from the home for about a month and a half more was not OK.

But my old host family is a room 12ft x 12ft...there is no fan that reaches me in my bed. I used to share the room with five other girls but 3 of them have gone to school and so I am sharing with only 2 girls now. The empty bunk I am using to stick my suitcase on since there is no floor space. I will be living out of my suitcase for the next month and a half. My bed still has a missing slat...so my hip still goes through the bunk and my 1/2 inch foam mattress seems to have bed bugs since I woke up this morning with bugs bites all over me.

The girls woke up at 4:30am for school and the light was switched on at 5am...there is no toilet paper in the bathroom so I will go out and buy some for myself tonight...there are no plugs for me to charge my things in so I will charge them at work today...I am tired and frustrated...but being able to see the boys from Cantonments makes it worth it all.

Honestly, I don't even find enjoyment at the orphanage anymore. Most of the older boys have either gone off to school or I have put into the group home. The older boys that are left there I am not supposed to speak to because there are suspicions of me having an affair with one of the older boys...why else would I make a group home for them? I still do get enjoyment from my toddlers and the younger boys but I could see them for a few hours a week and be fine. It is not the same as having the friendships with the older kids. Also, the younger boys only want to spend so much time with me and then they run off on their own, and the toddlers can't leave their house and sleep early so there is not much of a point there.

But what keeps me sane here is the boys from Cantonments. They are my best friends in Ghana that are just friends. There is nothing hard about being friends with them because their parents haven't emotionally damaged them to the point where they will get mad for no reason (that's how it is at the orphanage). So while I am still in love with the children at the orphanage and they are still my reason for coming back and doing what I do...they are no longer what allows me to survive in Ghana. I don't know how this all sounds to the outside viewer but to be frank at this point I am just being honest. I am so thankful for the boys at Cantonments.

On a happier note! Since I am back living near Osu I was able to go to Senior training today and see some good football as well as meet a very nice volunteer from Canada. Living closer is going to make me a lot happier. I will get used to the living situation, it is just my initial frustration with Osu Children's Home.

P.S. I am happy, I love Ghana, and I am happy I am here. This has just been a period of adjustment for me and anyone who knows me knows that my personality in general has a difficult time with change. So don't think I have lost my desire to be here or my passion for what I am doing.

So here is my new room, I tried to take a couple pictures to show you what it is like.

I have to Number my thoughts

#1 The Mormons that were here helping Helena to write the standards for orphanages took us to the La Palm Royal Hotel (one of the fanciest hotels in Ghana) for dinner on Friday night. When you are sitting at the outside restaurant next to the ocean and the night-lit pool, it is easy to forget that you are in Ghana. I was having flashbacks to when my parents came to see me two years ago and how difficult it was to try and juggle the luxury vs. poverty. But it was a nice break; I had a good full meal and got to enjoy an outdoor band next to the ocean for a few hours.

#2 I wish my nails didn’t grow here...it is a hassle to have to clip them

#3 I have started to figure out that my irrationality of being in Ghana takes over when I don’t have enough food in my stomach. I have seen a direct connection to my homesickness and my food intake. I haven’t been getting as much food as my body probably needs. Hopefully this will change once I am living on my own…speaking of which:

#4 I should be moving into the orphanage tonight! I still have my doubts because it is Ghana but I packed up all my things from Helena’s and brought them all with me. I am going to miss the company of having a family around when I get home from work but that will be replaced with the kids at the home, the boys from cantonments, reading, and hopefully new volunteer friends now that I am closer.

#5 This weekend was really laid back. I went to the home Sat. morning, then I went to see my old host family from when I was here in May, and then I went and watched a couple football matches at Cantonments. Those football boys continue to keep me sane. On Sunday I just stayed out in Adenta and visited the boys at the foster home and then we all went back to Helena’s to watch Ghana in the final match of the African Cup of Nations. Sadly, Egypt won…the mood in Ghana was very blue last night.

#6 Things with my work are good but I have my moments where I think I can’t handle all of it. Helena is in the process of making me a director of her NGO, All Hands on Deck for Africa, so that I can be more involved and then get it registered in the US to be able to apply for grants. I am really excited about this but at the same time I am torn. Right now it is important for my project to be able to get grants to continue, but my long-term plan is the desire to have a for-profit organization so that it remains sustainable and does not depend on the generosity of others. So I am struggling with the fact that now I am trying to get this registered as a non-profit. But at the same time I need to do what is best for the boys at this point in time.

#7 Kwabena Nimeche is no longer going to be a part of this project. This is the boy who is the youngest in the home and the brother of the oldest, Kwame Mensah. There has been a lot of thought put into this decision but at this point in time it is the best thing for him and the project. Kwame Mensah has been able to find a very good job in Ghana and so within the next year will be moving out of the group home to live on his own and since the point was to keep them together, Kwabena Nimeche would have to go with him. But Kwame Mensah will not be able to support him on his own and our project can’t at this time fund Kwabena while he is not living in the home. In addition, he has shown a lack of interest in the project and a desire to stay at Osu Children’s Home. Our project is not strong enough to work with kids who are not willing to participate. It makes me sad but at the same time I know that Osu Children’s Home will continue to care for him. And for those of you who are confused; the woman that we were originally trying to save them from was fired and our project has evolved with a new purpose. I will try and expand on this more later. There will be a new boy moving in to replace Kwabena and Helena and I will be discussing that over the next few weeks.

#8 The importance of this project is shown to me more and more every day. Helena and I had a long discussion about armed robbers the other night and their increasing presence in Ghana. These robbers break into houses and steal things and kill the residents. A pastor who was a close friend of Helena’s daughter was a victim of one of these robberies just last month. Helena was telling me that it is these kids in orphanages who have never been shown love that turn into these robbers. They have no concept of love and don’t care about anyone but themselves, they simply believe in survival of the fittest. She told me how the kids that were brought to the home later in life have a better chance of making it out ok but it is the children that have been there since they were toddlers that then have troubles after. It breaks my heart to think of Aquilly, Akwoko, Raymond, and Efia…my 4 toddlers who are still at the home...what does life have in store for them? But even after I have said this about the armed robbery I have to believe I am safe. I have been reading Psalm 91 multiple times a day hoping it applies to me. Yes, there are times when I am scared but I am careful and smart about the way I live here. So I will continue to pray without ceasing.

#9 I wish I was an excel expert…

#10 Sometimes I forget that I am the one making decisions. I have been writing down all of these questions/decisions that need to be answered/made and then I remember… these are all things I need to sit down, think about, and decide.