Beauty in this World.

I am home-this will be my final blog post for awhile (until I am back in Ghana)

Coming home this year was different, not easier, but different.

I still cried uncontrollably the entire way home-I let out six months of pent up emotions in one plane ride. I cried so hard and for so long that for two days after coming home my eyes were red and swollen. Its no wonder that the woman who originally told me check-in was closed for my flight from NYC to Chicago quickly changed her mind and told me to run for it. (I'm worried I might be blacklisted as a security threat on Delta)

But I landed in Chicago and my best friend was there to pick me up at the airport...I reached home where my parents were not supposed to be but my mom was waiting inside...the following day my dad cut his traveling short and flew home to see me...that same day my friend Max had a BBQ at his house with our other friends so that I wouldn't have to watch the Ghana vs. US match alone...and it continues...

People all over this country were waiting for me to arrive, waiting to hug me, waiting to support me with something that they know I struggle with.

But I also had a changed attitude.

During the past 2 years I have lost 5 people in my life. I have seen that my time here is not guaranteed. I've learned the importance of life the painful way, but I am glad I learned it.

I've realized that being angry with family and friends back home doesn't make me miss Ghana any less...but that instead, loving them and living life with them brings a happiness that can over-power even some of the hardest days.

I have seen that me coming back home safe is an amazing blessing. Just last week, I heard about the death of Nate Henn, a 25 year old American who was working with Invisible Children in Uganda. He was killed from terrorist bombings while watching the World Cup with local friends and children he mentors.

I acknowledge the burden I place on my family and close friends when I live in Ghana-EVEN if I have just as good of a chance of getting killed here.

So while leaving hasn't gotten easier, I've learned how to live here and be happy with where I am when I am there.


Today is the two year anniversary of the death of Adam Schatz, my should-be uncle. He was 26 years old when he was taken off life support a week after a karting accident.

So it is with Adam, Nate, and the other 4 people I have lost that I quote "From now on, for you, I'll be searching for those moments of always within never. Beauty, in this world."

The good news? I think I am finding that beauty.

Words

It has been awhile since I’ve blogged

Lately words don’t seem to cut it.

Words have always been something that I have relied on whether it is through lyrics, books, or conversation-I have depended on them.

I am lacking words.

What I desire to tell you can’t be explained in words. What I want you to feel won’t be felt by reading these words. But once again I’ll try my best.

For example, when I am asked how I feel about coming home next week I have no answer. A word hasn’t been created yet to describe that feeling…and no, bittersweet is not the word.

But here is what I can tell you. I am choosing to get lost in this world. I have been pushing back the pangs of sadness that come right as I fall asleep. I know that there will be plenty of time to be sad once I leave here so I can’t waste anytime I still have.

I am allowing myself to get caught up in spontaneity, which is something I am normally horrible at. I am being carried away by World Cup fever and the shutter speed of my camera. I am stretching every nerve within me.

Last week I decided to leave the wooden shelter I was standing under and play football in the pouring rain on the pitch that was quickly turning into a sinking mud bath. For an hour I kicked that ball with one of the U10s players (joined later by another volunteer) until we realized we were wading in sewage water. Mud was being flung onto my face each time the ball was kicked.

I then attempted to walk home at 6:30pm in that rain but it started falling so heavily that I could no longer open my eyes. (This kind if rain can’t be described using words-it is something you have to experience before you understand). I got stranded at a friends house for a couple hours until I eventually had to wade knee deep out to a taxi who graciously took me home for free while water poured in through the doors of his car. Most of Accra was knee deep in water.



On Sunday I went to Koforidua, a town 2 hours outside of Accra. I went to visit Edward (one of the boys living in my group home) at his all boys Senior High School. I watched the first Ghana Black Stars match of the World Cup with him at his school. After being mauled by 1,000 boys when Ghana won their match I attempted to go to the street and get a taxi back to the tro station to head to Accra. But what I found at the junction was hundreds of Ghanaians parading through the town of Koforidua in jubilation.

I could have waited an hour and then gotten a taxi but instead I asked someone where the station was; when they pointed in the direction where the crowd was headed, I joined in the parade. I was running alongside the locals that had their faces painted, flags wrapped around them and metal cans to make as much noise as possible. Apparently words couldn't express their happiness and pride either. They were singing, jumping, and shaking their hips. I ran with the parade for 45 minutes celebrating Gyan’s goal/Ghana’s win until I ended up at the tro tro station and got a car back to Accra.

I wish that the United States could have unity and pride like these people.

I hope that words come back to me soon. Until then...

A Yearning Heart

Ever since I was a little girl my mom has told me that she believes I feel emotions more acutely than other people in the world.

I have been accused of being too excited, loving too much, being too sad, caring too much, being too angry…and the list goes on.

So I am going to attempt to explain one of the emotions I feel so deeply that it creates a physical response within me.

The act of yearning: 1) to have an earnest or strong desire; to long for something 2) to feel tenderness, be moved or attracted

This is something I regularly feel in Ghana.

The word itself is something that when spoken can actually be felt...it is a word that carries with it a slight twinge of pain along with desire.

Sometimes I think I can truly feel my heart yearning; I feel my heart move closer to the surface of my chest where it sometimes feels like it will burst through. It is a longing so strong that I am actually physically MOVED.

At times it can make me feel sick, it seems as if the contradiction of what my heart yearns for and what is actually happening causes a painful reaction within me.

My heart yearns for the boys living in my group home to break through their devastating past; it yearns for the other children left at Osu Children's home to survive in a place where hopes and dreams are too frequently snuffed out, it yearns for the boys at Cantonments to succeed in whatever they choose for their life, it yearns for the people of Ghana, for the people of Africa.

But the words above are just words, they can't express the strain I physically feel inside of me when I wish for these things.

They don't reflect my occasional sleepless nights and tensed muscles I acquire when I yearn.

The words can't reveal the sacrifices I would be willing to make to change the circumstances.

But I am yearning and its OK, cause deep down, I know that this is what gives me the understanding that my work here has meaning.

And when it seems these emotions become too much for me to handle I will remember the comforting lyrics of a song that my friend played for me:

"You were blessed by a different kind of inner view: it's all magnified.
The highs would make you fly, and the lows make you want to die."

I love football, why?

My mom called me on the phone last week to tell me she had saved me a copy of the Sports Illustrated Football/Soccer Edition...who would have thought?

I love football, but its not about the game. Football connects people all over the world, there is an underlying unity that oozes from the boots of each player as the dirt flies off the ball spinning through the air to the next owner. It is a game that does not permit selfish behavior because each player brings something unique and important to the pitch.

I find that the workings of a team and fans resemble that of a family. So it is no surprise that since family is the most important thing in my life, I would fall in love with a sport that demonstrates it so gracefully.

But then:

Football business; like all business--dirty, exploitative, survival of the fittest...

I went to a tournament this weekend where the Cantonments boys played and there were scouts there, scouts from all over, but they all had one thing in common...they were all fat and money hungry.

I sat on the sidelines watching those boys kicking the ball as they have done since they were 2 years old. They kicked it with the same passion but there was a difference, they knew they were being watched...they stumbled and tripped and missed passes, something they rarely do.

This was no longer the game of football, it was the game of football business-a completely different game...a game where it is their chance to escape this poverty and prove to the world that they are something.

The scouts were vultures hovering over them waiting for the first sign of a money maker. Each player is the same until they prove themselves worthy. They see one of two things: Money or a useless body.

But I see:

Our goalie- A boy who raps and sings and dances between the posts during friendly matches. A boy who has a heart for God and wants nothing more than to please him. A boy who couldn't hurt a fly and is pure in heart. A boy who laughs continuously as he sputters out the words "If you live in a glass house, don't throw stones"

One of our defenders- A boy who is being eaten away inside by a dying father at home. A boy who is scared of failure and being forgotten. A boy who doesn't like Fufu but prefers rice or banku. A boy who loves the song "Fall in Love" by Dbanj.

One of our strikers- A boy who has the brains to be a doctor. A boy who all the girls at school admire from afar. A boy who can sometimes be arrogant but hasn't spoken since a chance for a professional trial fell through for him.

One of our mid-fielders- A boy who is still shy of me, the Obrouni. A boy whose mother fears for his safety in traveling abroad. A boy who doesn't speak when he is hungry. A boy who dances with his friends on the side of the field when no one is watching.

So forgive me if I feel angry and possessive when I see the scouts whip out their cellphones and whisper back and forth between each other.

Forgive me if I want to shelter and protect these boys from the lies and false hopes that these vultures often bring.

I want to see their dreams come true, I want to see them playing abroad but the process of dehumanizing them to get them there is where I struggle. I just pray that the unity that they feel can be enough to get them through to the end.

Week from Hell

This past week has been quite possibly the worst week I have ever had in Ghana.

Last Friday:

---4am: I started vomiting (first major problem), no pure water to rinse my mouth with after vomiting.

---4:30-night: other bodily issues, body pains, high fever (Ghanaian heat <3 )

---6:30pm: Hospital visit #1; tested for malaria; diagnosis:"Well we are not sure if you have malaria...your results weren't clear...so we will treat you for a stomach infection but if your fever and body pains don't go away within two days come back because that means you definitely have malaria and we have to treat you"

Saturday:

---Morning: slightly better; no more vomitting, other bodily issues had calmed down

---Night: Tried eating rice; nausea came back, had to sleep immediately so I didn't vomit everywhere

Sunday:

---all day: not able to eat except for a few crackers before my antibiotics, almost got sick each time I ate, fever and body pains gone

Monday:

---all day: same as Sunday

---overnight: no sleep, upset stomach again

Tuesday:

---Morning: woke up with stomach bloated out like I was pregnant-most of bodily issues had come back

---8:30am: Hospital visit #2; more lab tests; re-diagnosed as possibly having worms

---Afternoon/early evening: excruciating pain from the pressure inside my stomach/intestines, thought my stomach was going to explode

---8pm: Took my one dose of de-worming medicine and went to sleep as instructed by the doctor

Wednesday:

---7am: Woke up and my stomach felt better so I had clearly had worms that were now killed, tried going into work but was so tired I couldn't sit up

---afternoon: slept the rest of the day

---evening: fever came back with swollen glands

Thursday (Today):

Glands still swollen, can't tell if fever is back cause I am drowning it with fever reducer...ate my first meal in 6 days.


And all of this right after that newspaper article just came out in Glen Ellyn with me stating "I never get sick in Ghana...its pretty amazing"...serves me right

I might have officially screwed up my back by lying on that hard bed for the past week but hopefully it will go in time.

I have missed home more than I ever thought possible in the past week.

However, I have never felt as supported by friends and family back home. The amount of text messages, phone calls, bbms, facebook messages, e-mails etc. is something that I am eternally grateful for.

Hopefully I will continue to get better and be back to my normal crazy, busy self in no time at all.

Finally, I just wanted to point out a few things that made my week bearable which were 3 quotes from two friends:

After being told I was being de-wormed:

Peter Evans said "awe, its like you are pregnant"

Chris Getman said "I think I've had to give my dog de-worming medicine. what is going on with that?"

And then finally, an explanation of why I am in in such agony:

Peter Evans (again!): "you swallowed a worm that is now feeding like its thanksgiving?"

Excuse my poorly written blog, my writing is not quite up to par yet.

Happy Mother's Day

According to most Ghanaians I know- I am a mother- of over a hundred children.

I've never felt like I have had much of a motherly instinct but my time spent in Ghana has slowly proved me wrong.

I first realized it when one of the U12 players told me "Claire, you are going to be a good mother" When I kind of laughed and asked why,he said "You would do anything for us and we aren't even your children"

Corny-yes; but true. I would do anything for these kids.

There is such a need for mothers around the world. There are so many children looking for someone to fill that space where their mother should be. Deep down, I know there is no replacement for a mother and I know that what I am doing does not even begin to resemble the unbelievable unconditional love someones own mother gives-but I will try.

I just can't wait for the day I can officially adopt one of these kids and fill the role to the best of my ability-despite the fact it will never be as good as their real mother.

Until then- I will continue to love these children more than I love myself.

Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. Today I gave out my first business card that wasn't written on a scrap piece of paper...pretty exciting!!!
Amazing smoothies:




Me and Vero:



Me and Precious: my youngest sister

Clean feet and a fully charged battery

My time at home was as I imagined...refreshing, relaxing, and just what I needed.

I selfishly ate four meals a day, even when I wasn't hungry.

I spent much needed time with family and friends that helped me pick up the pieces of my brokenness as I prepared myself to love at full speed for the next two months.

I got off the plane in Accra, Ghana with clean feet and a fully charged battery to keep going with the other half of my life.

The transition was smoother than I ever could have imagined. I dropped my bags at the house and headed to the football pitch since my phone had already rang five times since I had gotten off the plane...I was an hour later than I had said...they were letting me know.

I spent Friday afternoon sleeping on the ash foam mattress in the Cantonments Club House. The boys were coming and going throughout the day and I just happily fell in and out of sleep feeling completely at home.

I am a lucky girl. Everywhere I go I get to reunite with people I can't imagine my life without.

My headache came that afternoon and lasted until Monday afternoon but I think that was just a sign to take it easy.

I slept 14 hours on sat. night and after church with Awuni and Ishmael I spent all day Sunday with my host family. Our neighbors were having a naming ceremony/party in the street for their newborn baby girl.

Monday was a holiday so I headed to the orphanage after saying a quick prayer for God to guard my heart...he did. For the first time since coming to Ghana in January I just sat with the kids talking for hours. It was just what I needed. I ignored all calls from Cantonments and gave my full attention to the ones who originally captured my heart.

Monday late afternoon I headed home and sat with Catherine in our room reading our books together. Her mom called us to the kitchen later for some sliced up mangoes and then we finished the night off by cooking together. It felt like summer days I used to have when I was about 10. Perfect.

Everything about the past four days of being back here has been wonderful. I have spent a good amount of time talking to our neighbors and having deep conversations about the difference between joy and happiness: the best example I could make was asking the man I was speaking to if he would feel the same thing when 1)his daughter was born and 2) he was watching Messi play football--sadly he said he would have the same feeling--its ok, he clearly has issues--for those of you who can't figure it out #1 is the joy and #2 is the happiness.

I explained that money may be able to bring you happiness but never joy. Happiness is temporary but joy is sustaining and what allows us to survive.

It is amazing what clean feet and a fully charged battery can do for a girl.

I am joyful.

Me and Okos/Elvis:




Me and Asa:

The Paradox

Some of the best times come with lights out (for those of you who don't know lights out means that the power is out).

Lying as still as you can as to not feel the heat...but still feeling the sweat drip off your body and sink into the 1 inch ash foam mattress beneath you.

But it is these times when the whole family gathers in the living room. Spreading out a sheet on the cool tile they all lie down to sleep...but it is only 7PM

Since it is still early in the night there is laughing that echoes through the house into the back room where Catherine (age 16) and I are...Catherine is on the ground with a straw mat and I am in my bed pressing my body against the window hoping for air.

We can hear Precious (age 9), Priscilla (age 13), Vero (my Ghanaian mom), Prince (my Ghanaian dad) praying and singing praise songs. Although they can't seem to make it through a prayer or song due to the fact that Precious is either imitating an over enthusiastic Ghanaian pastor or attempting to sing the bass line of a song.

Catherine and I are bursting into fits of laughter from our room listening to all the commotion.

But there is something so comforting about this. It reminds me of the days my brothers and I used to yell room to room late at night...mostly when my parents were out of town and we would have Jess Fischer staying with us. Or when we would all cram into my parents bed and no one would get any sleep because of all the giggling and shoving that would take place.

Family, love, and laughter heal pain. I am so thankful for that.

I have been having a lot of encouraging conversations in the past few days. A lot of conversations around allowing the pain I feel to be turned into love. That each time I feel pain, I need to be able to outwardly express it as love.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." Mother Teresa

This morning I am thankful.

I will be home in 4 days for a week break...my body is aching for that week break. :)


A picture of my sisters last May and their cousin. (Back left is cousin Lorattia, back middle is Priscilla, back right is Catherine, front and center (like her personality) Precious):

Hot Saliva before you vomit

Friday and Saturday brought a bad mood.

Sunday and Monday brought a lack of interest- No desire to be in the house, at the football pitch, at work, or at the orphanage.

But still, I could feel no sadness. I was numb, I had never felt that before, I felt nothing.

Even talking to a friend on the phone yesterday my words were hollow. I spoke about Yaw’s death as if it were a television show-maybe with even less passion than that.

Even today the lack of interest persisted but I forced myself to go to the football pitch.

But it was tonight that the numbness started to fade.

After leaving the football pitch I ran into Laurie (the woman who is adopting from Osu Children’s Home). It was inevitable-she brought up Yaw. After learning that I hadn’t even found out until a week after his death AND from a volunteer who blurted it out like it were the score of a football match she started apologizing. She was torn that she had forgotten to call me and that’s when she started telling me the story:

She said that he had fallen out of his wheelchair a few days earlier; that he had cut his mouth open when he hit the pavement-

They took him to the doctor for his cut but he was in too much pain to eat-he was starving-

Two days after his fall she could see his soul leaving him-he was hollow- “he just looked so tired and needed to let go”

Thursday night he died in his sleep-

As they took his body away, Laurie gathered the boys for a prayer-they clapped for Yaw and released him to God.

This is when the numbness started to go. She stood up from her chair and embraced me. I felt my body convulse as she squeezed me as if she were the only thing keeping me together. She told me to let it out but I couldn’t. I clenched my teeth, swallowed the lump in my throat, and squeezed my eyes shut so that the tears wouldn’t come.

It is like right before you vomit when the hot saliva comes. Once you taste that hot saliva you know that it is only a matter of time before you vomit. How many times can you swallow that hot saliva before you throw up?

But I need to keep swallowing until I get home on Tuesday.

I can feel it rising within me; not just the pain from Yaw’s death but the feelings I have been swallowing about the kids at the home and my crumbling relationships with them. Flashes of when Victor died come to my mind and I am reminded of the paralyzing sadness that controlled me for months. I feel the anger, and sadness, and pain, and jealousy of other volunteers that have replaced me begin to rise up in my throat like bile.

Yesterday I didn’t think I would ever feel it; that I had just become used to death; but tonight as I prepare to go to sleep I will continue to swallow this hot saliva praying that I can make it a week before I vomit.

Easy Silence

I might as well just say it:

Last Friday Yaw from Osu Children's Home died. I just found out last night. No one knows what he died of, probably neglect.

I am numb, probably because my body knows that if it lets me feel I won't be able to handle the pain that comes with letting it in. It will consume me.

So I will put one foot in front of the other and keep walking.

Yaw two years ago when I first met him:







Yaw last year:



Yaw this year:






"Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess"

With me today, tomorrow I'll be stronger

Today is one of those days that I just can't stop smiling...

I am not sure why exactly, maybe because it is baseball season back home, maybe its cause I am listening to good music while plugging away at work, maybe its cause I am coming home for a week in 2 weeks, or maybe there is no particular reason behind it...

I am so lucky that my love for Ghana has not faded over time...in fact; it has done nothing but grow.

I have watched people struggle and fight for that love that they once had as they watch it slip through their fingers, I only hope that my fire that continues to grow can re-ignite the fires inside some of those people who are losing hope.

Ghana makes me a better person. I become more laid back and extraordinarily positive, and for any of you who know me...this is a pretty miraculous thing.

It doesn't take away my intensity and passion but it takes the edge off of that intensity...the part of my intensity that is my greatest weakness is reduced...it is just the positive side of my drive that shines through.

It is strange to me that I am a positive person here...at home I can get sucked into such a negative place and complain about everything but here I seem to rise above it all and give encouragement to those who are normally positive but can't seem to find their strength.

This is my favorite tree and bench in all of Ghana, it is perfect:

Empty stomachs

Here is something I pray that I will never become numb to: a child not having money to eat food when they are hungry.

I am not saying that it isn’t horrible when an adult is hungry/starving but there is something about a hungry child that is sickening to me. A child is so vulnerable and helpless; they are supposed to be provided for. Food is so critical to their physical and mental development.

There is a boy: in order to be respectful I will not use his name:

He is 13 years old and he wants to be a footballer. He trains for 2 hours a day with his football club and then trains for about an hour or more a day on his own. When training closes he runs 25 rounds (laps) around the pitch (field) doing sit-ups and push-ups at each corner. He tells me that he wants to grow big and strong so that he can live out his dream.

But how can he grow strong? Where is this body mass going to come from? If it is a good day he will eat 2 meals a day (not meals how we think…I am talking of a small bowl of rice with stew at night or bread with porridge in the morning). He has no fat on his body, his legs are like twigs and he continues to run and run not understanding that without putting substance into his body he will not be able to grow big and strong. But he just simply does not have the money to get food.

He is one of about 200 I personally know that live this way, and 1 of millions in the world that live this way or worse every day.

Some of these children are the faces you see on charity ads but some of them you might overlook. Maybe a boy looks like a healthy 9 year old but what you don’t know is that he is actually 15 but appears 9 from a consistent lack of food. Or maybe their feet are 4 sizes smaller than they should be and their organs inside are weakened but you can’t tell.

I know so many children in Ghana that can’t eat food when they are hungry. I calculated the amount I should spend a week on transportation/phone credit/food/anything extra for myself and it comes out to about 70 cedi a week. Yet somehow I end up spending close to 150 cedi a week…where is that other money going?

It is going to those children that I adore so much that haven’t eaten since morning and won’t eat unless I get them some food, or to the child who is sick with the flu and a high fever but can’t afford any medicine to reduce their fever and help their cold, or to the child that won’t be able to school that day if they don’t receive transportation money or some small money for food at school…

As for all those things I cannot use the funds from my project to pay for these children. The money I fundraised was not for this purpose and because it is tax deductible I have to use the money for the project I planned and record that. Giving out money at random does not fall under the non-profit sector. So I use my own money to pay for these things.

And I know some of you may be thinking that this is not an efficient use of my money and it is not sustainable, etc. but I will NEVER be able to eat a meal knowing that someone I love/adore is hungry and no one is able to provide food for them.

It all makes me so angry! and guess what?! My decision will remain the same EVERYTIME: I will choose to skip a meal before I tell one of these children that I don’t have money for them to eat.

Don’t become numb to the statistics, don’t get used to seeing starving children with flies on their faces, or kids that have knees that bulge out of their skinny legs! And don’t forget about those children who don’t appear to be wasting away or hungry, they are malnourished too! Don’t forget that there are lives and stories and personalities behind these faces that we see on television and in photographs; that these children have hopes, and dreams, fears, and hobbies.



Here are a few more pictures of the beautiful people in this country I love so much:

Nana Kodie:



Taki (words can't express my love for this boy):



Sleeping Malik after staying up all night for all night church:



An awake, happy Malik:



One of the best men in Ghana (genuine heart):



Evans:



Koemma and Kobi:



Douglas:



Zola:

Nothing Goes as Planned in Ghana

I have been really tired lately. I think my lack of sleep combined with trying to work out is getting to me and I might need to start sleeping more. There is a bench that sits under a tree next (my FAVORITE bench and tree in all of Ghana) to the football pitch and one day last week I was so tired before I went to work I slept on the bench for an hour before I left for work...that hour of sleep was better than any sleep I get during the night.

I had a really frustrating morning today that explains my Title of this blog post.

1) My visa has expired and I need to get it renewed but I am waiting for a Ghanaian friend to take me to his brother (an immigration officer) to renew it for me so that I don't have any trouble with the fact that it is expired. I have been waiting over a week now to go and every day his brother says he is still in Kumasi (a city 5 hours north west) and he will be back the next day. This morning I waited 3 1/2 hours while Thomas (my Ghanaian friend) finished training so that he could take me to his brother only to once again hear that he was not yet back from Kumasi...I missed 2 1/2 hours of work and didn't even get what I needed done.

2) By the time I got to the office some random Ghanaian was in my seat using the other half of Helena's desk and no one told me why or where I should go. So I sat in a chair against the wall and no one said anything about the fact that the place I come to work EVERY DAY was taken by a random person.

3) The internet in all of Ghana was down yesterday...as well as this morning. My job here in Ghana is pretty much impossible without access to e-mail and document exchange over the net.

Thankfully, things have improved since this morning...and I now have my desk and the internet works every few minutes. But I just have to remind myself that this is how Ghana is. Nothing goes as planned in Ghana and I need to embrace it for what it is.

I skipped work on Friday to take photos of a football match for my friend Dominic's project in Ghana and the match was supposed to start at 9am...it started at 11am. I was only told there was one match...there were two matches...their school closes at 3pm...we didn't leave there until 5:30pm.

Sometimes the tap (water) goes off right as I am about to take my bucket shower.
Sometimes the lights go off right when I need to charge my phone.
Sometimes the dogs bark outside my window right when I am about to fall asleep.

It is good to be able to laugh when things are going bad or don't go as I planned. I continue to learn how to be able to do this day after day...try not to let the frustrations get to me.

Here are another few things I thought I would mention:

1) It poured rain on Sat. late afternoon and when I say poured rain...I really mean that it was on a whole new level from the US. I had just hung my clothes out on the line to dry when it started to downpour so I had to run outside and collect them again. When I got back in the house I was watching the rain and all of a sudden there was rain streaming down the walls and leaking through the ceiling. Next thing I knew, the sewage gutter outside our gate was full and coming up the driveway. I immediately went for all the electrical outlets to shut them off but my family didn't even think of that.

I remember when Ali visited me and we traveled to the Volta Region and the hotel we stayed at had no power and they told us it was because it was raining. The woman told us that because the houses aren't built very well and since the people aren't well educated the government shuts off the electricity when it rains so that no one electrocutes themselves. On Sat. I was thinking how smart it was of the government and that the people in Accra don't seem educated enough either.

2) My camera is broken. I have had it for almost 6 years and it was bound to happen but it still stinks that I have to wait a month until my trip home to get it fixed. I will just have to use my nice camera until then.

3) I finally went out with some volunteers last night and had a great time. They are all the guys that volunteer at Cantonments and have been trying to get me to come out with them but because of my love of spending time with my local friends, my lack of energy, and the fact that I have to travel home alone at night I haven't been going but I was so happy I went last night. They are really good company and I was relieved to have a break from everything else.

4) Things at work are going really good. Sometimes I get paralyzed with what to tackle next but at least I have things to tackle. I am continuing to learn everyday and find out I can do things I didn't even know I was capable of doing.

5) I am really happy with my decision to stay at my current accommodation but it has been difficult with the kids at the Children's Home. They are furious about my decision not to stay at the home. They refuse to sit and listen to my explanation of why I had to make this difficult decision. We all have many chapters in our lives. I continue to believe that different things happen for a reason and that it will all be revealed in the end but the turning of the pages and ending of chapters is still painful. I remember so clearly the mind numbing pain I endured when I ran into complications at the orphanage in El Salvador and that chapter in my life was closing-but if I hadn't left there I would have never found Ghana.

So now, as I watch my relationships crumble before my eyes I know that it is all happening for a reason. The kids from Osu Children's Home that made up my life in Ghana still hold my heart, my love for them is no less and the desire to change their world is still running through my veins; but our relationship is changing. I read from a friends (Katie Shill) journal today that talked about the struggle of whether it was really best for kids for us to get so close to them knowing that we couldn't stay forever. So while my heart has been stolen and the brokenness tears me apart I need to accept the fact that maybe what is easiest for these kids is no longer to be so attached to me. And the way they are going about this is by being angry and hurtful towards me.

My struggles with the kids at the home is one that I am still trying to articulate into words so forgive me if it doesn't make sense to you why this is all happening or what exactly is happening. In reality, I am not quite sure what it all means and why it is all happening but I will continue to have faith that this change is opening another door. This is not as I planned it, but as I said...nothing goes as planned in Ghana.

This picture was taken my a journalist who came to do a story on some of the footballers at Cantonments and their families and I escorted him to a couple houses and Charles (on right) wanted him to take a picture of me with him and his mother:

Life is so good, even when things are bad

1) Yesterday was a big day for me! I ran 2 1/2 miles in Africa! That may seem like not a big deal to most of you but considering I suck at running in the US I am proud of myself for getting out in the heat and running. It felt great, I was disgusting afterwards.

2) Sometimes when you pass a school and it has a concrete wall around it it has paintings on the wall, I love that when they paint pictures of body parts on these schools they paint them as white body parts...not black body parts...random but funny

3) One of the U12 footballers has taken to calling me "his girl", not in a romantic way by any means but in a "that's my girl" kind of way. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. But I love it, while I was running yesterday he kept yelling "that's my girl, that's my girl, keep going"

4) Helena was accused of child trafficking today in a random newspaper...so messed up, sometimes Ghanaians see people doing good and they want to do tear them down in any way possible...she is angry but she continues to believe that "If God can be for us, who can be against us?"

5) Yesterday I had a mango, an entire pineapple, and two bananas for lunch...GLORIOUS!

6) I am working on a video for my project to briefly explain what it is about. I got the motivation from my friend Dominic who just completed his video for his project. He is doing amazing things. Watch this video if you want to learn about his cause.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuOPtf6Sg5s

Learning what is Important in Life

I will not be moving into Osu Children's Home today or ever.

I have finally realized what is important in life.

I went to the home yesterday to see if they had prepared the room for me and if it was finally available and they treated me like I was coming to take something from them. The administration at Osu Children's Home is cold and rude. Passive aggressive is the correct word. Between the glares, and the eye rolling, and the heavy sighs, and cold silence they make me feel unwanted. You would never guess that I was trying to pay them to stay there. I won't get into too many details of what happened but the bottom line is that the room is available for me to stay in but because of the way the treat me I refuse to move in there.

Why should I move to a place that doesn't want me and will talk behind my back? Right now I have a family I stay with that loves having me around and take great care of me. Yes, I don't have any privacy and there are times when I get frustrated with not having space to spread out in but I will take the happiness they give me over my own space any day.

I feel unhappy and dark every time I walk through the gates of the orphanage and I can't handle that emotional weight every day when I come home. I know I have spoken about this before but there is a darkness in Ghana that sometimes I feel that I have never felt in the US...and I refuse to live where I feel that darkness. So I will choose to sleep on my small bed that has missing lats, without a fan, without a place to unpack my things, but surrounded by a family that loves me and has taken me into their home (without pay) as their daughter.

On a different note, I am trying to learn how to eat healthy in Ghana and let me tell you...that is difficult. I am not a footballer so I can not eat all the carbs that they have for every meal and the amount of oil they use kills me as well. So I think I will continue to have my egg and bread in the morning, try and eat fruit for lunch, and then for dinner it will vary...some nights I will still do rice but I will look for other things made with Engushi (a seed), beans, and egg. Dominic and I are determined to find a way.

My blood is thinning...I am starting to get used to the temperature. I have been cold the past two nights sleeping (it has been rainy though--unusual for March in Ghana).

Work is going well. My cousin Alex is amazing and helping me get a website started for All Hands on Deck for Africa. We have now bought our domain and are starting on the designing...VERY EXCITING!!!

I am so thankful for all the hard lessons here because in this I am continuing to grow and learn. My eyes are re-opened every day, and I am so thankful for that.

Me with Sarfo, wearing his boots (cleats) :)

I think I want to buy a bike

I am seriously considering buying a bike to ride to and from work...we will see what happens with that.

I am supposed to move into the Children's Home today...I haven't packed any of my stuff up because I don't think it is actually going to happen. I am OK if it doesn't happen. I have actually become quite used to where I am living so it would not be the end of the world if I can't move yet.

Everything in Ghana is great. I don't have too much to say. I have spent the past week working a lot to make up for my week off. I am reading the book "Nonprofit kit for Dummies" cover to cover and it is helping a lot.

I cooked Jollof rice this weekend and learned how to cook groundnut soup and Omo tuo (rice balls). I love that I am continuing to learn about the culture and lifestyle here.

Sometimes it is hard to be so far from home when things happen. I am praying for the Radon family and I wish so much that I could be there to support you during this hard time.

A bucket shower to top off a great day :)

Yesterday was such a good day.

It was one of those days where you have moments where you are so happy and joyful that you could cry...strange feeling but an amazing feeling.

I went in to work early to make up for a week of lost time. Work wasn't anything special and I left around 2pm to go and meet Helena's husband to finish up his January newsletter and get that sent out...but it was after all this that made day got so great.

From my meeting with Kwame (Helena's husband) I went back home to drop off my laptop and head to the Children's Home.

I haven't been that happy to be at the Children's Home in a long time. I went there because I was meeting Edward. Edward is one of the boys that lives in my group home in Adenta. I haven't seen him yet since coming to Ghana because he has been at school in the Eastern Region. He has been calling me once a week to check up on me and yesterday he came from Adenta to the Children's Home to meet me there so we could talk. There are no amount of words I can give to explain the pure joy that came with seeing his smiling face. Edward is going places. He is one of the most intelligent boys I have ever met and is interested into going into law. We sat talking for a long time about how difficult it was to be boarding at Senior High and all their rules etc. etc.

As I was sitting talking with Edward there was a white lady that walked up to me and ask if I was Claire. I had no idea how she knew who I was but as soon as I said yes she embraced me in a hug. I found out seconds later that her name was Laurie and she was adopting one of the smaller boys named Osey. She has heard all about my project from a mutual friend of ours Kary (a flight attendant).

After talking with her and her giving me such words of encouragement Abdul walked through the gates of the orphanage. For those of you that don't remember, Abdul is the refugee from Sudan, that came to Ghana two years ago the week I came to Ghana because his father was killed in Darfur and he didn't know where his mother and sister were. When he came to Ghana he spoke no English and now he is fluent. He has now been adopted by a woman who lives just outside of Boston (how lucky for me!!) but they are still working on getting his Sudanese passport etc.

He has been staying a little ways outside of Accra during this whole process and he came to the home yesterday to see me. He then told me that Sandy (his new mom) landed in Ghana that morning (another flight attendant) and they wanted me to come to dinner at the Novotel Hotel so that I could finally meet her...we have been trying to meet since I found out about Abdul's adoption in October.

So before we went to dinner I sat talking with Francis, Kwesi, and Edward (3 of the boys from my group home). I was so encouraged after talking to them. They have all been staying there regularly which is a HUGE improvement from last May. The transition period was difficult but it seems that it is finally all coming together. I was so encouraged yesterday after seeing my boys and then Abdul on top of that. When the boys (from my group home) close for vacation this April we are going to have a plan for what they will do on their time off. We are planning on re-painting the walls inside the house and building a Vegetable garden in their backyard as well as focusing on learning how to cook a different meal each week.

But for dinner- it ended up being me, Moses, Abdul, Osey, Laurie, Sandy, Auntie Janette (one of the house mothers-really sweet), her son Barnabas, and another boy from the home named Prince. We all got Pizza and just sat talking for three hours. Abdul and Moses have grown so much I can't even believe it. At the end of this post I am going to show you pictures of them from two years ago and then a picture of them now so you can see. They have both grown about a foot and are turning into young men.

To top off my night I went home and had the most amazing bucket shower. It was such an encouraging day and so good to see all the people I love so much and connect with people that love the kids as much as I do.

Picture of Abdul from 2 years ago (far left):



Picture of Moses from 2 years ago:



Moses, me, and Abdul yesterday at dinner (LOOK HOW MUCH THEY'VE GROWN!!):



Me and Victoria (Victor's twin):



Me and Edward:



Edward and Francis: