The Paradox

Some of the best times come with lights out (for those of you who don't know lights out means that the power is out).

Lying as still as you can as to not feel the heat...but still feeling the sweat drip off your body and sink into the 1 inch ash foam mattress beneath you.

But it is these times when the whole family gathers in the living room. Spreading out a sheet on the cool tile they all lie down to sleep...but it is only 7PM

Since it is still early in the night there is laughing that echoes through the house into the back room where Catherine (age 16) and I are...Catherine is on the ground with a straw mat and I am in my bed pressing my body against the window hoping for air.

We can hear Precious (age 9), Priscilla (age 13), Vero (my Ghanaian mom), Prince (my Ghanaian dad) praying and singing praise songs. Although they can't seem to make it through a prayer or song due to the fact that Precious is either imitating an over enthusiastic Ghanaian pastor or attempting to sing the bass line of a song.

Catherine and I are bursting into fits of laughter from our room listening to all the commotion.

But there is something so comforting about this. It reminds me of the days my brothers and I used to yell room to room late at night...mostly when my parents were out of town and we would have Jess Fischer staying with us. Or when we would all cram into my parents bed and no one would get any sleep because of all the giggling and shoving that would take place.

Family, love, and laughter heal pain. I am so thankful for that.

I have been having a lot of encouraging conversations in the past few days. A lot of conversations around allowing the pain I feel to be turned into love. That each time I feel pain, I need to be able to outwardly express it as love.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." Mother Teresa

This morning I am thankful.

I will be home in 4 days for a week break...my body is aching for that week break. :)


A picture of my sisters last May and their cousin. (Back left is cousin Lorattia, back middle is Priscilla, back right is Catherine, front and center (like her personality) Precious):

Hot Saliva before you vomit

Friday and Saturday brought a bad mood.

Sunday and Monday brought a lack of interest- No desire to be in the house, at the football pitch, at work, or at the orphanage.

But still, I could feel no sadness. I was numb, I had never felt that before, I felt nothing.

Even talking to a friend on the phone yesterday my words were hollow. I spoke about Yaw’s death as if it were a television show-maybe with even less passion than that.

Even today the lack of interest persisted but I forced myself to go to the football pitch.

But it was tonight that the numbness started to fade.

After leaving the football pitch I ran into Laurie (the woman who is adopting from Osu Children’s Home). It was inevitable-she brought up Yaw. After learning that I hadn’t even found out until a week after his death AND from a volunteer who blurted it out like it were the score of a football match she started apologizing. She was torn that she had forgotten to call me and that’s when she started telling me the story:

She said that he had fallen out of his wheelchair a few days earlier; that he had cut his mouth open when he hit the pavement-

They took him to the doctor for his cut but he was in too much pain to eat-he was starving-

Two days after his fall she could see his soul leaving him-he was hollow- “he just looked so tired and needed to let go”

Thursday night he died in his sleep-

As they took his body away, Laurie gathered the boys for a prayer-they clapped for Yaw and released him to God.

This is when the numbness started to go. She stood up from her chair and embraced me. I felt my body convulse as she squeezed me as if she were the only thing keeping me together. She told me to let it out but I couldn’t. I clenched my teeth, swallowed the lump in my throat, and squeezed my eyes shut so that the tears wouldn’t come.

It is like right before you vomit when the hot saliva comes. Once you taste that hot saliva you know that it is only a matter of time before you vomit. How many times can you swallow that hot saliva before you throw up?

But I need to keep swallowing until I get home on Tuesday.

I can feel it rising within me; not just the pain from Yaw’s death but the feelings I have been swallowing about the kids at the home and my crumbling relationships with them. Flashes of when Victor died come to my mind and I am reminded of the paralyzing sadness that controlled me for months. I feel the anger, and sadness, and pain, and jealousy of other volunteers that have replaced me begin to rise up in my throat like bile.

Yesterday I didn’t think I would ever feel it; that I had just become used to death; but tonight as I prepare to go to sleep I will continue to swallow this hot saliva praying that I can make it a week before I vomit.

Easy Silence

I might as well just say it:

Last Friday Yaw from Osu Children's Home died. I just found out last night. No one knows what he died of, probably neglect.

I am numb, probably because my body knows that if it lets me feel I won't be able to handle the pain that comes with letting it in. It will consume me.

So I will put one foot in front of the other and keep walking.

Yaw two years ago when I first met him:







Yaw last year:



Yaw this year:






"Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess"

With me today, tomorrow I'll be stronger

Today is one of those days that I just can't stop smiling...

I am not sure why exactly, maybe because it is baseball season back home, maybe its cause I am listening to good music while plugging away at work, maybe its cause I am coming home for a week in 2 weeks, or maybe there is no particular reason behind it...

I am so lucky that my love for Ghana has not faded over time...in fact; it has done nothing but grow.

I have watched people struggle and fight for that love that they once had as they watch it slip through their fingers, I only hope that my fire that continues to grow can re-ignite the fires inside some of those people who are losing hope.

Ghana makes me a better person. I become more laid back and extraordinarily positive, and for any of you who know me...this is a pretty miraculous thing.

It doesn't take away my intensity and passion but it takes the edge off of that intensity...the part of my intensity that is my greatest weakness is reduced...it is just the positive side of my drive that shines through.

It is strange to me that I am a positive person here...at home I can get sucked into such a negative place and complain about everything but here I seem to rise above it all and give encouragement to those who are normally positive but can't seem to find their strength.

This is my favorite tree and bench in all of Ghana, it is perfect:

Empty stomachs

Here is something I pray that I will never become numb to: a child not having money to eat food when they are hungry.

I am not saying that it isn’t horrible when an adult is hungry/starving but there is something about a hungry child that is sickening to me. A child is so vulnerable and helpless; they are supposed to be provided for. Food is so critical to their physical and mental development.

There is a boy: in order to be respectful I will not use his name:

He is 13 years old and he wants to be a footballer. He trains for 2 hours a day with his football club and then trains for about an hour or more a day on his own. When training closes he runs 25 rounds (laps) around the pitch (field) doing sit-ups and push-ups at each corner. He tells me that he wants to grow big and strong so that he can live out his dream.

But how can he grow strong? Where is this body mass going to come from? If it is a good day he will eat 2 meals a day (not meals how we think…I am talking of a small bowl of rice with stew at night or bread with porridge in the morning). He has no fat on his body, his legs are like twigs and he continues to run and run not understanding that without putting substance into his body he will not be able to grow big and strong. But he just simply does not have the money to get food.

He is one of about 200 I personally know that live this way, and 1 of millions in the world that live this way or worse every day.

Some of these children are the faces you see on charity ads but some of them you might overlook. Maybe a boy looks like a healthy 9 year old but what you don’t know is that he is actually 15 but appears 9 from a consistent lack of food. Or maybe their feet are 4 sizes smaller than they should be and their organs inside are weakened but you can’t tell.

I know so many children in Ghana that can’t eat food when they are hungry. I calculated the amount I should spend a week on transportation/phone credit/food/anything extra for myself and it comes out to about 70 cedi a week. Yet somehow I end up spending close to 150 cedi a week…where is that other money going?

It is going to those children that I adore so much that haven’t eaten since morning and won’t eat unless I get them some food, or to the child who is sick with the flu and a high fever but can’t afford any medicine to reduce their fever and help their cold, or to the child that won’t be able to school that day if they don’t receive transportation money or some small money for food at school…

As for all those things I cannot use the funds from my project to pay for these children. The money I fundraised was not for this purpose and because it is tax deductible I have to use the money for the project I planned and record that. Giving out money at random does not fall under the non-profit sector. So I use my own money to pay for these things.

And I know some of you may be thinking that this is not an efficient use of my money and it is not sustainable, etc. but I will NEVER be able to eat a meal knowing that someone I love/adore is hungry and no one is able to provide food for them.

It all makes me so angry! and guess what?! My decision will remain the same EVERYTIME: I will choose to skip a meal before I tell one of these children that I don’t have money for them to eat.

Don’t become numb to the statistics, don’t get used to seeing starving children with flies on their faces, or kids that have knees that bulge out of their skinny legs! And don’t forget about those children who don’t appear to be wasting away or hungry, they are malnourished too! Don’t forget that there are lives and stories and personalities behind these faces that we see on television and in photographs; that these children have hopes, and dreams, fears, and hobbies.



Here are a few more pictures of the beautiful people in this country I love so much:

Nana Kodie:



Taki (words can't express my love for this boy):



Sleeping Malik after staying up all night for all night church:



An awake, happy Malik:



One of the best men in Ghana (genuine heart):



Evans:



Koemma and Kobi:



Douglas:



Zola:

Nothing Goes as Planned in Ghana

I have been really tired lately. I think my lack of sleep combined with trying to work out is getting to me and I might need to start sleeping more. There is a bench that sits under a tree next (my FAVORITE bench and tree in all of Ghana) to the football pitch and one day last week I was so tired before I went to work I slept on the bench for an hour before I left for work...that hour of sleep was better than any sleep I get during the night.

I had a really frustrating morning today that explains my Title of this blog post.

1) My visa has expired and I need to get it renewed but I am waiting for a Ghanaian friend to take me to his brother (an immigration officer) to renew it for me so that I don't have any trouble with the fact that it is expired. I have been waiting over a week now to go and every day his brother says he is still in Kumasi (a city 5 hours north west) and he will be back the next day. This morning I waited 3 1/2 hours while Thomas (my Ghanaian friend) finished training so that he could take me to his brother only to once again hear that he was not yet back from Kumasi...I missed 2 1/2 hours of work and didn't even get what I needed done.

2) By the time I got to the office some random Ghanaian was in my seat using the other half of Helena's desk and no one told me why or where I should go. So I sat in a chair against the wall and no one said anything about the fact that the place I come to work EVERY DAY was taken by a random person.

3) The internet in all of Ghana was down yesterday...as well as this morning. My job here in Ghana is pretty much impossible without access to e-mail and document exchange over the net.

Thankfully, things have improved since this morning...and I now have my desk and the internet works every few minutes. But I just have to remind myself that this is how Ghana is. Nothing goes as planned in Ghana and I need to embrace it for what it is.

I skipped work on Friday to take photos of a football match for my friend Dominic's project in Ghana and the match was supposed to start at 9am...it started at 11am. I was only told there was one match...there were two matches...their school closes at 3pm...we didn't leave there until 5:30pm.

Sometimes the tap (water) goes off right as I am about to take my bucket shower.
Sometimes the lights go off right when I need to charge my phone.
Sometimes the dogs bark outside my window right when I am about to fall asleep.

It is good to be able to laugh when things are going bad or don't go as I planned. I continue to learn how to be able to do this day after day...try not to let the frustrations get to me.

Here are another few things I thought I would mention:

1) It poured rain on Sat. late afternoon and when I say poured rain...I really mean that it was on a whole new level from the US. I had just hung my clothes out on the line to dry when it started to downpour so I had to run outside and collect them again. When I got back in the house I was watching the rain and all of a sudden there was rain streaming down the walls and leaking through the ceiling. Next thing I knew, the sewage gutter outside our gate was full and coming up the driveway. I immediately went for all the electrical outlets to shut them off but my family didn't even think of that.

I remember when Ali visited me and we traveled to the Volta Region and the hotel we stayed at had no power and they told us it was because it was raining. The woman told us that because the houses aren't built very well and since the people aren't well educated the government shuts off the electricity when it rains so that no one electrocutes themselves. On Sat. I was thinking how smart it was of the government and that the people in Accra don't seem educated enough either.

2) My camera is broken. I have had it for almost 6 years and it was bound to happen but it still stinks that I have to wait a month until my trip home to get it fixed. I will just have to use my nice camera until then.

3) I finally went out with some volunteers last night and had a great time. They are all the guys that volunteer at Cantonments and have been trying to get me to come out with them but because of my love of spending time with my local friends, my lack of energy, and the fact that I have to travel home alone at night I haven't been going but I was so happy I went last night. They are really good company and I was relieved to have a break from everything else.

4) Things at work are going really good. Sometimes I get paralyzed with what to tackle next but at least I have things to tackle. I am continuing to learn everyday and find out I can do things I didn't even know I was capable of doing.

5) I am really happy with my decision to stay at my current accommodation but it has been difficult with the kids at the Children's Home. They are furious about my decision not to stay at the home. They refuse to sit and listen to my explanation of why I had to make this difficult decision. We all have many chapters in our lives. I continue to believe that different things happen for a reason and that it will all be revealed in the end but the turning of the pages and ending of chapters is still painful. I remember so clearly the mind numbing pain I endured when I ran into complications at the orphanage in El Salvador and that chapter in my life was closing-but if I hadn't left there I would have never found Ghana.

So now, as I watch my relationships crumble before my eyes I know that it is all happening for a reason. The kids from Osu Children's Home that made up my life in Ghana still hold my heart, my love for them is no less and the desire to change their world is still running through my veins; but our relationship is changing. I read from a friends (Katie Shill) journal today that talked about the struggle of whether it was really best for kids for us to get so close to them knowing that we couldn't stay forever. So while my heart has been stolen and the brokenness tears me apart I need to accept the fact that maybe what is easiest for these kids is no longer to be so attached to me. And the way they are going about this is by being angry and hurtful towards me.

My struggles with the kids at the home is one that I am still trying to articulate into words so forgive me if it doesn't make sense to you why this is all happening or what exactly is happening. In reality, I am not quite sure what it all means and why it is all happening but I will continue to have faith that this change is opening another door. This is not as I planned it, but as I said...nothing goes as planned in Ghana.

This picture was taken my a journalist who came to do a story on some of the footballers at Cantonments and their families and I escorted him to a couple houses and Charles (on right) wanted him to take a picture of me with him and his mother:

Life is so good, even when things are bad

1) Yesterday was a big day for me! I ran 2 1/2 miles in Africa! That may seem like not a big deal to most of you but considering I suck at running in the US I am proud of myself for getting out in the heat and running. It felt great, I was disgusting afterwards.

2) Sometimes when you pass a school and it has a concrete wall around it it has paintings on the wall, I love that when they paint pictures of body parts on these schools they paint them as white body parts...not black body parts...random but funny

3) One of the U12 footballers has taken to calling me "his girl", not in a romantic way by any means but in a "that's my girl" kind of way. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. But I love it, while I was running yesterday he kept yelling "that's my girl, that's my girl, keep going"

4) Helena was accused of child trafficking today in a random newspaper...so messed up, sometimes Ghanaians see people doing good and they want to do tear them down in any way possible...she is angry but she continues to believe that "If God can be for us, who can be against us?"

5) Yesterday I had a mango, an entire pineapple, and two bananas for lunch...GLORIOUS!

6) I am working on a video for my project to briefly explain what it is about. I got the motivation from my friend Dominic who just completed his video for his project. He is doing amazing things. Watch this video if you want to learn about his cause.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuOPtf6Sg5s