Due to some complications I am not back in Ghana as originally planned. I am still searching for the reason why. I have been needing to write lately but haven't done it and I thought this would be as good of a time as any.
Lately it has been easier not to talk about Ghana. Because when I finally do, it seems like too much to handle.
My heart reaches emotional capacity and all my feelings of love, anger, frustration, joy, and sadness seem to surface. The lump in my throat returns and I know that I could sit and cry for hours if I allowed myself to.
But they wouldn't be tears of sadness. They would be tears of fear, anxiety, determination, passion, and love.
I see what I want to become and I am running towards that but there are times when it seems just out of reach...I never have been much of a runner.
Is it possible that I am too selfish of a person to become who I want to be?
I don't want to just leave a dent, I want to change the world. A dent is not enough, a dent means that I did not try hard enough, that I was too selfish.
I am reading "Mountains Beyond Mountains" right now about Paul Farmer and there are so many things that I relate to. I want to jump through the pages of the book and ask Dr. Farmer, "Wait! How did you get past that? How do you deal with that? How did you make that decision?!" I read that he struggled with some of the same things that I am struggling with, but it doesn't explain how he got past those things, they are just little blurbs in the midst of his successes.
But even though I don't have those answers, I am encouraged, because I know that I am not the first one to feel this way, and I certainly will not be the last. I will overcome these struggles.
I will strive to be selfless. I am striving to be selfless.
